Angel Heart Meets Roger Rabbit

JimBob · 23 May, 2002, 03:19:42 AM

My 2nd ever futuere shock, again it's rough but I kind of like it, all criticism gladly accepted.Heart of Duckness

Frame 1:

Traditional 1950's hardboiled detective office, door with glass window with "Jack Foulkes, Investigator" written on glass, outside view door slightly ajar speech can be heard from inside:
"I've heard you may be the man I need Mr. Foulkes."
"Please, call me Jack."

Frame 2 cuts to inside

Shabby office, chair each side of desk, bottle of Whiskey on desk. Two people;

1. Jack Foulkes, male late thirties heavily built but not quite fat, handsome in battered kind of way;

2. Dolores Moreau traditional Femme Fatale elegantly dressed, holding a cigarette, dark hair in a bob.

"I'm Dolores Moreau my Father was founder of Moreau Studios."
"The funny animal films?"
"We're trying to move away from that but yes, Dillon Duck, Randy Racoon..."

Frame 3

Foulkes reaches forward to light Dolores cigarette

"How can I help Miss Moreau?"

"My brother Karl has disappeared, he was my Fathers assistant and with out him Father has spiralled into depression."

"Could be a lady involved?"

Frame 4

Close up on Dolores face

"No for Karl the work was everything, you must help find my brother Mr. Foulkes. I'll pay twice your rate and help any way I can but you must find him."

Frame 5

Picture both talking no speech
Voice over
"In my line you get to know when someones lying and I sure as hell knew Miss Moreau wasn't telling me everything but I needed the money and she was a lot prettier than the repo men who were my only other chance of company tonight."

Frame 6

Foulkes and Moreau standing in a doorway of elegant front room which has been thoroughly trashed.
"Have the cops been here yet?"
"No we wanted to keep things quite."

Page 2

Frame 7

Foulkes on floor examing scene.

Frame 8

Fou;lkes standing large black Feather dripping blood in hand:

"Not what I was expecting to find Ma'am, your brother into a special scene?"

"Oh no, it's escaped"

Frame 9

Overhead view of car driving up city street

"She seemed genuinely shocked insisted she had to show me something, after that we did'nt speak for the rest of the journey."

Frame 10

Large metal gate sign on top in style of old Warner Brothers shield but with Moreau Studios written on it. Gate is opening for car.

Frame 11

Walking down corridor together "When my Father came here from the old country he saw that the future was in entertainment, not science and so he built this resource"

Frame 12

Opens to large 2/3 page picture of steril laboratory, two ,metallic slabs in centre either side crates containing large animals, onm on of the slabs a large naked man, top of head sawn off, but laid out cleanly.

Frame 13

Close up of face looks like a young Robert Mitchum

Dolores "Oh my god!"

Foilkes "Isn't that..."

Frame 14

Door slams a 5' duck is standing next to a little old man in a white lab jacket.
Dillon (for it is he) is holding a revolver in his hand/wing.

Dillon "You should have stayed away Dolores"

Frame 15

Foulkes slowly raising hands "You'vre got to be kidding."

Frame 16

Close up on Dillons face "I have your brother Dolores and unless I get what I want my colleagues will dispose of him."

"What do you want.?" Dolores off camers

"I want to be human, not this twisted beast your Father made me."

Frame 17

Dillon standing next to Moreau snr

"But you are a beast"

"I/m a beats who walkjs as a man and I will be a man"

Frame 18

Foulkes with arms held up still

"sorry to interrupt but what the hells going on?"

Frame 19

Dillon "our good friend the Doctor here found a way to make films cheaper then Mr Disney with the help of his knife."

Dolores "Stop him Jack"

Frame 20 Foulkes dives at Dillon grabbing the gun

Frtame 21 They struggle violently hitting the slab

Frame 22 Body falls to floor splattering.

Frame 23 Enraged Dillon smashes Foulkes to floor shouts "My body"

Frame 24 Foulkes on floor with Dillon standing over him but Foulkes has gun "It ends here Mallard"

Frame 25 Moreau injects Foulkes in arm "I'm sorry he has my son"

Frame 26 Moreau Stanf=ding talking to Dilllon "I know it's not perfect but can't use him?"

Frame 27 Dillon Standing over prostate Foulkes "You'll do I suppose"

Frame 28 Close up of Dillons face "That's all Foulkes."

End

You probably saw that one coming but let me know what you all think, if it's liked I'll polish it up.

Thread Zero · 23 May, 2002, 04:01:53 AM

I think the main problem is it isn't really a future shock.

It is more a film noir type thing.

What year is it set?

I think if you add some sci fi references, it may help.

A flying car maybe instead of a typical car. Things like that.

Last line was funny play on words.

But I would set it in the future.

scojo

JimBob · 23 May, 2002, 04:17:17 AM

I know this may sound stupid but do future shocks have to be futuristic? I was aiming for an alternative fifties feel, I'm a big fan of the Kim Newman Anno Dracula stories and I've always liked the way he entwines real people with fictional charchters from the time the novels are set.

Thread Zero · 23 May, 2002, 04:44:16 AM

Well read most fs and see what time period they are set in, JimBob!

I'm serious. The vast majority are set in the future.

I think if you wanna try to sell a fs, best to go with a future setting.

I think writing future shocks are hard in a way. (I had 2 rejected!) On the whole, funny ones don't get published.

Read Steve Moore's stuff and you will see what I mean.

I think your story has potential, I really do, But whether 2k would want it set in the 1950's, I doubt it.

Good luck!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

scojo now a critic too!

Oh no:)

JimBob · 23 May, 2002, 04:50:22 AM

Obviously I'ld like to sell a future shock, extra income = nice, but I'ld like to get my act together before i submit one, hence my request for criticism, if I start to think I'm good I'll probably get protective of my babies but at this stage it's open season.

DavidXBrunt · 23 May, 2002, 05:02:43 AM

Does it have to be a Future Shock? There's Time Twisters and Terror Tales and sundry others.

Thread Zero · 23 May, 2002, 05:42:49 AM

Not many time twisters of late in 2k!
And how many terror tales have there been?

It's hard whatever you write.

You need a lucky break I reckon.

scojo

Oddboy · 23 May, 2002, 03:23:36 PM

Yeah I was thinking Terror Tales (there's only been 2 so far, I think) would suit it better - make sure it's in black & white (it'd suit the '50s thing) & make sure it a shade darker but the end joke was great!