Wood vs. paulvonscott celebrity smackdown

[Wood]

The villainous Baron Von Scott was last seen escaping into the sewers.

Come out, fiend. Coume out and fight like a man!

[paulvonscott]

The road begins to buckle and quake, cracks run down the street, mothers hastily push prams to saftey, small dogs dissapear into the abysmal darkness.

The screaming begins.

From the fell fissures in the earth, giant lightning bolts of metal shoot out towards the sky and even coarse navvies faint as the terrible steel behemoth slowly tears itself from its subterranean womb.

Even the sun seems to shrivel away as it begins to move forward, sickeningly so, with alien gait.  

Atop this, as if he were controlling the very heavens themselves, the Baron Von Scott cackles as he pulls levers, twirls dials and presses buttons.

Then the creature stops, and with its halt comes silence, one titanic limb reaches forth, fully unfurling till the diamoned edge claw is mere inches away from the face of a sickly gentleman in Edwardian garb.

There is a creak of static and then a low sibilant hiss...

"You Sir, have the taste of an ill educated gnat."

[2000AD Online]

Pah! Why can't you just pull each other's hair like all us other girls?

[O Lucky Stevie!]

no trouble out of the two of you; i'm warning youse that i've still got my balloon on a stick...

i've wet my knickers!
steven l'enfant terrible

[Wood]

Lord Wood removes his glasses and buffs them with his handkerchief, before nonchalantly replacing them on his nose.

He flicks a mote of dust from the edge of the claw just before him and looks up at Baron Von Scott's contraption with a glint of steel in his eye.

"Baron!" he cries. "While one cannot fault your ability to make an entrance, it yet remains to be said that your nose is of an unsightly size, and that your picking and eating it, while easily adequate to feed you for a month, is truly revolting."

[paulvonscott]

He looked down and mocked the feeble world that trembled at his might.

"I say that wretched imp dares to talk to him, time to try out the latest in my range of novelty weapons of destruction"

PVS inserted his finger into his right nostril, at the same time a pimple began to flash on and off.  From the left nostril came the sound of a klaxxon and a dignified alert.

++WARNING, WARNING, NASAL ROCKET FIRING++

With a flash, the mechanical nose journeyed groundwards, scenting its foul opinionated prey even as it speeded towards its target.  Indeed the smell was so bad that it was the odorous equivelant of a barn door and that was taking into account the nearby open sewer.

PVS meanwhle dabbed a small smidgeon of soot from his otherwise perfectly crafted (and to scale) nose.

From below came the sound of a satisfying 'Thawoomp!' and all was quiet.  The small warhead would be no doubt replaced by some phosphlipid delivery device to amuse the common herd, and the carbon filters needed a little modification, but it was undoubtedly a success.

[Wood]

As the dust settles, Lord Wood steps out from the remains of the nasal rocket's cavernous sinuses. "Teach you to make it anatomically correct, you pedant," He thinks.

Bbrushing down his frock coat, he removes his spare cravat pin from behind his lapel, and flicks it at Von Scott's steam-powered beast. It lodges in the knee, causing the leg to seize up. The contraption crashes to the ground.

[SovietSam]

Cant U just nibble sum chipmunk tails and all get along

[paulvonscott]

High up in the heavens, there was a juddering and a shuddering, all was not well...

"I should never have picked up that cheap Chinese imported knee brace from Maplins, but they will pay for their defective goods..."  Cackled the Baron as he checked his pockets for the reciept.

Straighteneing his tie and grabbing his cape and sword cane, he leapt from the top of his marvellous deca-pedal nightmare, where gravity obligingly assisted him on his journey to ground level, some 200ft or so below.

Landing with elegant grace, as if he'd just stepped out of one of those new fangled elevators, the Baron immedietly confronted his foe by prodding him in the eye with his stick.

"Aha!"

And stepped back, his hand ready to draw the sword from its wooden scabbard as his foe replied...

"Ooya!"

[Trout]

> And stepped back, his hand ready to draw the sword from its wooden scabbard as his foe replied...

"Ooya!"


Because the sword turned out to be...

A trout!

Heh, heh.

MikeD

[Wood]

Armed with nowt but a small letter opener, Wood, still nonetheless wincing from the Baron's cowardly poke in the eye, fended off Von Scott's onslaught, taking time to wipe the foam produced by Von Scott's mouth from the sleeve of his jacket from the other hand. "You unhygienic brute," he said.

Again and again the brute attempted to press his assault on the heroic Lord Wood, who held it off with one hand behind his back.

He yawned. "Nayland Smith never had this problem," he said, quite accurately.

[paulvonscott]

The Baron smiles, despite the vulgarity of Lord Wood and his obsession with bodily functions and carries on the pantomime of sword play that seems to keep the young lord so amused.  Perhaps it is the flash of the shiny objects that makes him giggle so.

When Wood gets bored the Baron decides he will let toss him a ball of wool and let him play with that, after all, the Baron has an appointment with the Duke of Phobos later that afternoon.

But if it is the primtive love of glitter and flash that keeps this objectional aggressivite entertained, then the Baron's smile, a veritable platinum grin, should prove most amusing.

However the thin flecks of foam produced by this mechanical mouthpiece will already be beginning to do their work.  For their name is contagion, a carefully crafted pestilence that will dissolve all of this young upstart's bones and leave his body in the same gelatinous state as his enfeebled mind.  Indeed the rot will be over so much sooner as the creature before him appears to suffer a congenital lack of backbone.

The Baron can only despair at the woeful state of the mental health service when any wayward mentally deificient baboon with a letter opener can escape from their cell only to waylay and attack otherwise upstanding citizens.

Perhaps a letter to the Times would be in order.