Writing To Tharg

[Buttonman]

Stop turning this beautiful thread into a seamy tawdry pimp fest!

Don't tell them someone is slagging off their letters. Well done lads, good work.

[Buttonman]

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Well here we are for the final supper of LETTERSUSENTERTAINYOU. The band has been paid and the soup pissed in, so letâ??s get on with the show. A nice flurry of five on the inside back cover always gives us a glow, although some of the topics covered tell us that once again our own efforts have been criminally overlooked. Well weâ??re not here to be rewarded or even read, so letâ??s see what was worthyâ?¦

Kicking off with the star letter is new writer Ben Coulbrook and weâ??re not going to suggest he put a certain something in Scunthorpe, as he clearly didnâ??t. Ben will no doubt be basking in  the glory of a front page splash of the Evening Herald given that heâ??s the first ever person to get a letter published from that fair town. Indeed only Wayne Britcliffe has passed muster before having had his â??Judge Fordâ?? etching printed in Prog 568 in 1988.

Itâ??s Kellyâ??s eye, number, er, two for Michael Kelly who seems to have fallen out with his boyfriend Tharg! Michael had three letters in prior to this one and they were all letters of the week!. Still heâ??ll be glad to get in with this forgettable effort - enclose more plastic cups next time!

Kavanagh QC is up next and itâ??s clear the â??QCâ?? doesnâ??t stand for â??Quality Controlâ?? if this effort is the standard offered. Richard lives on Bizarro world where Greysuit trumps Defoe and the long trailed Buttonman 4 completely passed him by. Still this old stager with his 18th letter knows itâ??s Heroclix gold to ask Tharg about a soon to be published strip. Richard debuted in Prog 1197 with a star letter outing back in 2000.

Serial stats bother Dave Evans hasnâ??t lost his Edge (see what I did there?) with his 9th letter in 5 years. A fledgling offering in Prog 1316 in 2002 has blossomed into a fully fledged Heroclix whoring session. Dave likes Defoe and PJ and well pretty much everything. Still we wouldnâ??t buy it if it sucked, would we?

Finally we get a troublesome offering from the commonly named Mark Hunter. The letters beast  has â??Mark Huntersâ?? from Durham (2), Oxford, Warrington (2) and e-mail so his score is at least two but maybe as many as six. To be on the safe side his official tally is one. Markâ??s letter is a roller coaster of will he wonâ??t he? With a happy ending. Heâ??s one of Bob Byrneâ??s few pals and the gushing tone left us a bit nauseated. Still that could be down to the soup.

To be honest this page left us a bit flat - every letter is just a summary of the stories and a big thumbs up. No wit or insight just a lot of jumpsuit slapping and toys all round. Still better than the desert days of spring 2007!

[Bolt-01]

Button- I love reading these. PLEASE don't leave it there. I'll try harder to think of someting to wind Tharg up.

Bolt-01 (Dead surprised to see my letter, cause there was no click waiting as well)

[Buttonman]

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Well that was a short break. After bowing out to unprecedented public acclaim (thanks Dave!) the bloody lawyers appeared and it seems that as itâ??s also Megazine week that one further edition is required. Cleary being the professionals that we are the content will be of itâ??s usual high standard, with puns, typos and unsubstantiated gossip all present and correct.

Then we read the page!

In all actuality this is what we are here for: moans, abuse and an editorial broadside against one of our own!

Things kick off in lamentable fashion with a writer having a bit of feedback. Frankly Alec Worley needs to develop a thicker skin if the minor quibbles raised by Manny Lange are enough to get his heckles up! We donâ??t consider that the letters page is the correct forum for such petty nit picking and given that Alec has no history as a readersâ?? letter writer heâ??s got a cheek coming on here once heâ??s joined the staff. He gives his address as the fanciful â??Narniaâ?? presumably to deter his legion of fans from setting up camp in his garden!

There is better stuff next as Keith â??Cliffâ?? Thorburn from sunny Glasgow steps up to the bat for his 7th outing. He has a 4:3 Prog/Meg ratio with two star letters to his credit. Keithâ??s letter starts well with a welcome attack on the Satanus debacle but he quickly retreats to  obsequious fawning with a gushing finale thatâ??s less palatable than a Satanus double feature. Stick to your guns Keith, itâ??s not as if the editor will answer with a load of vitriol. That hardly ever happens.

The â??turd in the water tankâ?? award for rubbish letter of the week goes to former letter writer Richard â??Dickieâ?? Roberts of Wales, England. This letter is hopefully a cynical attempt to gain a graphic novel because if itâ??s from the heart the white van should be sent now. Dickie is a big fan of â??The Dredd Filesâ??, the movie reviews and the small press features - basically if itâ??s universally loathed Dickieâ??s your man. Iâ??m surprised they edited out his request for some Blood of Satanus 3 merchandise!

Still itâ??s opinions that matter and Dickie certainly has a few of those. This could be his debut outing but we do have two previous â??Richard Robertsâ?? form â??e-mailâ?? in M235 and â??Glamorganâ?? in Meg 229. If Richard would like to argue his case the many lettersusentertainyou message boards are always open for business.

A good outing gets stratospheric in the last page when our own Linton Porteous from Beanotown gets it in the neck from editor Matt Smith. Linton has the right idea of moaning from the off and not getting sidetracked into a few empty platitudes. He pays his £2.95 (Unless he steals it or reads it in the shop - in which case Bad Linton!) so he can say what he feels. He does undermine himself by asking a question about the commissioned stuff and then answering it himself, but overall he makes valid points that he tries to justify.

The response, to our mind, from the editor is a bit unprofessional. Rather that address the points made he simply outs Linton as a serial moaner which is fair enough. Linton is however a veteran of 26 letters and youâ??d hope that an active and loyal reader deserves a bit better than the â??ya boo sucksâ?? reply he elicits here.

Iâ??m never going to get a letter printed ever again!

Lintonâ??s letter is his first of 2007 and given that Floyd hasnâ??t troubled the scorers this year, you have to wonder if the old stagers have had their day. Linton famously has never had a star letter in all his outings but he wins ours here, not so much for his musings but for the response they generated. Well done Linton - see you in the pariahsâ?? section!

[mogzilla]

paul armer,preston.once in the middle of the incubus story and the last time was 2 years ish ago .two words "judge tigger" .i thankyou sir!

[Radbacker]

this thread is crazy, entertaining but crazy.  Keep it up Buttonman.

CU radbacker

[Buttonman]

Thank you for your notable quotable Radbacker, CU in the bar!

As for 'Paul Armer' what a great name - sends up matches with 'Farmer' and the wonderfully named 'Simon Harmer' who had a brace in 377(letter) and 613 (Drawing : Judge Smiley)

Anyway, Paul Armer, two showing both from 'Lancs.' which covers Preson so we can accept your testimony. 1334 & 1457 are your numbers and  both Letters of the Week! Sir, colour me impressed!

[Keef Monkey]

I agree entirely with your review of my letter, on reading it in print myself I felt I had fallen short of my goal. Sounded like more of a whingefest than intended and the compliments on the art I liked was included mainly to emphasize my dislike of Satanus. However the result was a letter uneven in tone and lacking in all departments. The graphic novel was nice, but pales in comparison to being a part of the latest Letters Us Entertain You installment. My bosom is swollen with pride.

[Buttonman]

Very gracious of you Keef (Keith I take it?).Hopefully you'll be at the Glasgow Christmas booze fest to fight your corner further. Sadly I don't provide graphic novels, only THE TRUTH!

[Keef Monkey]

The truth is worth a dozen graphic novels. Although this graphic novel was Savage, which made my day so is worth about one and a half truths. Booze fest ahoy.

[mogzilla]

Great name?you are mad sir,it is a name that you have to spell EVERY timeto people and they still get it wrong ,i've been "ahmed" and the best one was on my honeymoon,we were booked in as mr and mrs "amour" they thought we were a posh mr and mrs smith...jarvis ellersley in edinburgh,recommend it.

[Buttonman]

I'd say it's 'Armer' as in 'Farmer' before they asked.

I'm Stephen and people always say 'is that a PH?' So I say 'It's Stephen - PH as in pretty handsome'. Luckily it's true!

[Mattofthespurs]

Top, top quality thread.

My only success was the gushing embarrassment in the 2007 prog, star letter.

But I don't care, I got a Judge Fire Heroclix and a Halo Jones graphic novel. Not forgetting the personnaly signed (by the tea lady) letter from Tharg.

This thread has taken the best part of the day to read.

Pure gold.

[Buttonman]

Thank you from all thread contributers for your kind words.They said that if you scribble it they will come, and they were largely correct, for once!

It's nice that the thread made a Crossman into a happyman!

Get your crayons sharpened, there's Heroclix in tham thar letters.

[mogzilla]

funnily enough,got "farmer" yesterday.