Cloudbusting: Feedback requested on 3 page strip

[House of Usher]

I get it, but it's hard work. Expand it to 4 or 5 pages for best results. It's very compressed as it is, so the reader is rushed through it and doesn't have time to absorb each revelation in turn.

[M.I.K.]

I actually thought there were two aliens,

Actually, that's what I thought - that there were two of the alien guys  .

...and I wondered what the flip you were both going on about and if I was the one missing something.

[Cpt Rhodes]

It sounds like your wife is a good impartial critic. If she didn't mind, involving her in the development stage of your next strip might be good.

Anything I do these days I run past the folk at work who give me good honest opinions as I'm working on it.

It's resulted in me completely re-doing art but it's worth it. You can get too close to something as you work and be blinded to faults.

[Daveycandlish]

I agree with what the artdroids have said - if the wife don't get it from the artwork, it ain't working. I only really got the twist after reading the comments posted here and rereading the strip, so I'd recommend altering it in the way PJ suggests before submitting it.
Re-writes and re-draws are always a pain, but nearly always worth it in the end!

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Thank you all. I hate you.

[dancornwell]

If a re-draw or something that is needed then thats what will happen. Listening to all the advise given, i to now believe its a 4 or 5 page story. We don't want to confuse the reader and not having an editor to proof the pages means all your advise is much appreciated. I made the mistake of not sending Dr X the pencils for his keen eye to go over, my bad, so i can take the majority of the blame i think.

I don't quite fully understand photoshop yet, i haven't got a manual to flick through, so i'm just winging it as i go. So advise on how to achive effects is seriously welcome. I find my colouring a little flat sometimes, or a bit simular from page to page and a bit to computer generated in my opinion, this is something i'm going to have to work on. Something i will enjoy working out. Practice practice practice.

thanks for all the feedback.

Some other people will give you more detailed feedback but I'll just say that Mr Cornwell's art is super lovely. Like Kevin Walker and Dom Reardon on a bouncy castle with Simon Coleby

wow!! much praise indeed, if i could have a ounce of their talent i'd be a happy chappie.

[dancornwell]

my spelling could do with some work too

[pauljholden]

Dan - art is lovely. Colouring great. Story telling is the problem, but it's difficult to tell if the story telling problem is due to the art or the script (which is one reason why, when you're sending samples to a publisher, you should use a previously published script - that way, you're not hobbling the art with bad decisions in the script stage)

-pj
(Also: I don't see how this story CAN'T be told in three pages - you just need to simplify some elements of the dialogue/story telling - future shocks - which are 5 pages, are always five pages - no-one gets to say "Hey Tharg, this future shock really needs an extra page".)

[dancornwell]

I think I could simplify some panels and pages, i tend to try and cram as much in as poss. Not sure who it was, maybe Bisley, but he said 'he had to learn that each panel or page doesn't have to be a master piece, sometimes less is more, and story telling is key'. I spend soooooo much time studying yours and other pro's art for tips and guides thats i may tend to take my eye off the goal. STORY TELLING!

[House of Usher]

Also: I don't see how this story CAN'T be told in three pages

It's because there are too many plot complications for a three-page length; it kills the suspense.

[Grant Goggans]

Van Dom and locusts also had the same problem that I did, thinking that Globis and Morbe were the names of two aliens.  That's an issue whenever you introduce characters in long-shot like that.

PJ's "make it look like Earth" advice is really insightful.  I wouldn't have considered that!

[pauljholden]

Also: I don't see how this story CAN'T be told in three pages

It's because there are too many plot complications for a three-page length; it kills the suspense.

Well, I'm not making any judgement on what the suspense would be like, simply that the plot - as told here, could be told better in three pages.

Anyhue, I've commented enough. Good luck with it!

-pj

[Alski]

Okay, so it looks great, as everyone else seems to agree.

I enjoyed reading it, and was only confused by the ending. If it IS the two definitions of "Saved", then I'm sorry but I find that a bit weak.

I understood everything else, though, although I am sure it can be made easier with a rewrite (poor artist!). It has a very "Future Shock" feel to it and would not be at all out of place in Twoth.

So... Evil bounty hunter (surely "Mercenary" is more accurate?) wants to steal our repository of all we are, and 2 aliens stop her, then steal it themselves. We are up on the deal, as they don't want to kill us all as well.

It's a bit easy to steal this, isn't it? For something so valuable?

I just feel there's a really great idea in there that can make it better, although it's by no means poor as it is.

Good luck finding the missing element, I look forward to reading it when you have tinkered.

[House of Usher]

We are up on the deal, as they don't want to kill us all as well.

Are you sure?

[Alski]

I COULD be wrong. I think it happened once before...