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Author Topic: 'it' returned  (Read 3608 times)

mrstu

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'it' returned
« on: 12 January, 2012, 08:33:06 PM »
hey guys heres another script i've written. its only a three pager, so if you've got a few spare seconds i'd really appreciate it if you had a read and let me know what you think. thanks guys.


‘IT’ RETURNED.

PAGE 1

FOUR EVENLY PLACED PANELS, EACH TAKING UP A QUARTER OF THE PAGE.

PANEL 1
A SPACE SHIP SHAKES INTO LIFE, WE CAN SEE SMOKE AND FIRE BURSTING FROM THE REAR OF THE SHIP. IN THE BACKGROUND WE CAN SEE THE CHARRED REMAINS OF AN ALIEN WORLD.

FX – BUBUBUBUBUB!

CAPTION- ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF SECTOR 11C A SHIPS ENGINES RUMBLE INTO LIFE.

PANEL 2

SHOT OF THE SHIP TAKING OFF, THE FIRE AND SMOKE HAVE NOW ENGULFED THE GROUND BELOW.

FX – KAPUFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

CAPTION: THE SHIP ONLY HAD A FEW MINUTES LEFT TO REACH ITS DESTINATION, AND TIME WAS RAPIDLY RUNNING OUT.

PANEL 3

SHOT OF A PANICED WOMAN (THINK FAY WRAY) LOOKING OUT OF A WINDOW TOWARDS THE READER.

WOMAN: OH GOOD LORD NO!

PANEL 4

SHOT REVEALING THE SHIP FROM THE FIRST TWO PANELS LANDING OUTSIDE OF A HOUSE, (MAYBE HAVE THE SHIP LANDING ON AND DESTROYING THE FENCE THAT SURRONDS A BEAUTIFULLY LAID OUT FRONT GARDEN.) WE CAN SEE THE WOMAN FROM PANEL 3 PEERING OUT OF THE WINDOW WITH HANDS UP TOWARDS HER FACE.

FX – COMMFIZZZZZZ!

PAGE 2

4 PANELS AGAIN AND SET OUT THE SAME AS THE LAST PAGE.

PANEL 1

CLOSE UP OF AN ALIEN HAND PUSHING OPEN THE HOUSE’S FRONT DOOR OPEN.

FX- CLICK!

PANEL 2

SHOT OF ALIEN STOOD IN THE FRONT DOOR WAY, WE CAN ONLY SEE HIS OUTLINE (THINK JABBA THE HUT WITH LEGS) BUT WE CAN TELL THAT THIS CREATURE MEANS BUSINESS.

ALIEN: GGGGRRRRRR!

PANEL 3

SHOT OF THE WOMAN, WHO IS NOW BACKED UP AGAINST A WALL. SHE HAS ONE HAND REACHING OUT WITH THE OTHER HAND PLACED ON HER CHEEK. WE CAN SEE THE ALIENS SHADOW CAST OVER HER.

WOMAN: PLEASE, I’M SORRY. I THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME!

PANEL 4

SHOT OF THE WOMAN RUNNING AWAY FOLLOWED BY THE ALIEN.

PAGE 3

SAME PANEL AMOUNT AND SET UP AS PREVIOUS PAGES.

PANEL 1

SHOT OF A MICROWAVE

FX – PING!

PANEL 2

SHOT OF A HAND REMOVING A STEAMING PLATEFUL OF FOOD FROM THE MICROWAVE.

PANEL 3

SHOT OF THE ALIEN SAT BEHIND A KITCHEN TABLE, IT IS NOW REVEALED THAT HE IS WEARING A THREE PIECE BUSINESS SUIT. THE WOMAN IS PUTTING THE PLATE THAT WAS TAKEN OUT OF THE MICROWAVE ON TO THE TABLE WHILST HER OTHER HAND IS PLACED LOVINGLY ON THE ALIENS SHOULDER.

WOMAN- THERE YOU GO DEAR, YOUR FAVOURITE- THE CRUSHED REMAINS OF YOUR ENEMIES.

ALIEN: THANK YOU VANESSA MY LOVE, ANY KETCHUP?

PANEL 4

THE WOMAN IS NOW IN THE FOREGROUND OF THE PANEL LOOKING AND TALKING DIRECTLY TO THE READER, THE ALIEN IS BEHIND HER SAT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE ENJOYING HIS MEAL.

WOMAN: LADIES, KEEP THE EVIL SPACE TYRANT IN YOUR LIFE HAPPY WITH BARRY SLUGBUCKETS ALL NEW RANGE OF MICROWAVEABLE READY MEALS.

The Enigmatic Dr X

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #1 on: 12 January, 2012, 08:41:24 PM »
I'll assume you're taking the piss and leave it at that.

EDIT: No, I won't. I've had a bad day and came to this board for a quick 10 minutes before doing more work. I was willing to read the script and comment. However, I am not sure if it is trolling or simply a poor attempt at a joke (I suspect not, given you make no indication that it is a joke). Either way, posting this is simply a waste of time and clogging the board.

BACKGROUND: In case anyone doesn't know, this "script" is a direct copy of an Alan Moore Futureshock. It may not be a good one, but I fail to see why we are asked to comment on a re-hash of a 20+ year old Futureshock that most of us recognise.
« Last Edit: 12 January, 2012, 08:45:59 PM by The Enigmatic Dr X »
Lock up your spoons!

mrstu

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #2 on: 12 January, 2012, 08:43:08 PM »
so i take it thats a thumbs down is it? oh well, never mind

mrstu

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #3 on: 12 January, 2012, 09:00:46 PM »
i've genuinly not read any future shocks stuff for longer than i can remember. so maybe something has stuck in my memory banks.

locustsofdeath!

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #4 on: 12 January, 2012, 09:06:32 PM »
BACKGROUND: In case anyone doesn't know, this "script" is a direct copy of an Alan Moore Futureshock.

Ooooh, you're right. I just reread the Alan Moore FutureShock last year and mrs tu's script is almost exact...

Spaceghost

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #5 on: 12 January, 2012, 09:30:48 PM »
What a massive wanker.
Raised in the wild by sarcastic wolves.

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TordelBack

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #6 on: 12 January, 2012, 10:04:11 PM »
This is a bit weird.  There is another way MrStu could present this - he has written a script for the Future Shock which already exists, and that's probably a good exercise in itself.  He could ask us how successful his script would be to produce the four pages we originally got.  It's a pity he doesn't.   

The Enigmatic Dr X

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #7 on: 12 January, 2012, 10:19:25 PM »
The original was two pages.
Lock up your spoons!

locustsofdeath!

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #8 on: 12 January, 2012, 10:22:09 PM »
I can only assume that Mrs Tu is a young lad and maybe didn't realize that this is silly. When I was round 10 or 11 I used to write Lovecraft stories that were dangerously close to being (okay, were) ripoffs. As Tordel said, it's good practice for a youngster...so I'm hoping that's the case.

JOE SOAP

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #9 on: 12 January, 2012, 10:24:11 PM »
What you needed 3 pages to achieve, Alan Moore could do in 2. That's my criticism.



locustsofdeath!

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #10 on: 12 January, 2012, 10:28:21 PM »
What you needed 3 pages to achieve, Alan Moore could do in 2. That's my criticism.

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

M.I.K.

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #11 on: 12 January, 2012, 10:31:47 PM »
Going to give MrStu the benefit of the doubt here and assume he's inadvertantly dredged an existing future shock up from some darkened corner of his long term memory. It's certainly not impossible. There've been a few times I've come up with what I thought was an entirely original idea and then suddenly realised it bore an uncanny resemblance to a Two Ronnies sketch I watched when I was five, (or whatever).




locustsofdeath!

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #12 on: 12 January, 2012, 10:37:14 PM »
Going to give MrStu the benefit of the doubt here and assume he's inadvertantly dredged an existing future shock up from some darkened corner of his long term memory.

The problem is, even the dialogue is almost exact:

PLEASE, I’M SORRY. I THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME! = OH NO! NOT YET! I'M NOT READY!

LADIES, KEEP THE EVIL SPACE TYRANT IN YOUR LIFE HAPPY WITH BARRY SLUGBUCKETS ALL NEW RANGE OF MICROWAVEABLE READY MEALS. = YES HOUSEWIVES YOU CAN KEEP THE SILICONE-BASED LIFEFORM IN YOUR LIFE HAPPY WITH.......PRESSURE COOKER.

Truth be told, I'm now leaning to Dr. X's original assessment - he's taking the piss. (which is weird, because he's been pitching scripts to all the small press mags on the forum)

DoomBot

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #13 on: 12 January, 2012, 10:51:48 PM »

Truth be told, I'm now leaning to Dr. X's original assessment - he's taking the piss. (which is weird, because he's been pitching scripts to all the small press mags on the forum)

I note he's had a very critical reception to his own scripts. Perhaps this is a new tack to gain favour, but to try and pass off a future shocks script as his own on this, of all forums, is madness.

No excuse for plagiarism either.

Alski

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Re: 'it' returned
« Reply #14 on: 12 January, 2012, 11:10:41 PM »
It's really weird, this. So close I just can't see it being a memory disguising itself as a new thought.

I didn't like his script, but I did like the original 2 pager. I think that's because the script was too light on detail.
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