The Black Dog Thread

[Tjm86]

... But then I feel like a fraud because I'm not that committed or wedded to any particular idea. Anyway - it's proving to be a difficult semester.

Funt, I feel your pain my friend.  The last two years were an absolute blessed nightmare one way or another.  Taking the redundancy was the most terrifying thing I ever did considering the commitments I have.

There are still times when I find myself questioning the decision but at the same time stepping away has provided space.  So that darkness that you talk about, that quite a few of us are acquainted with, is lifting slowly.

I know quite a few folks now who have decided that teaching is just not worth it any more.  They've taken the plunge and leapt into far better places.

The biggest challenge though has been pulling together to start the job search process again.  That took an alrighty effort after everything.  Just taking things one step at a time was all I could do.  Eventually it worked out (although Civil Service security vetting is a pain!)

Take care.

[JayzusB.Christ]

 Hope you're OK, Funt. You're one of the good guys. I'll be very happy to chat to you on zoom or whatever if you need to offload.  (I'm part of an online therapy group - I'm not necessarily any GOOD at it, but I'm used to it.)

[Jade Falcon]

I must admit to feeling very down lately. The winter months are ones I loathe, and my flat is quite cold. Sleep patterns are getting worse and nothing is giving any satisfaction or glint of happiness any more.

I had someone on from the Jobcentre saying how there's plenty jobs and 'perhaps I should consider retraining' for the nth time, how bloody frustrating.

Life is just holding no appeal with being on my own and no prospect of that changing and the whole Oxfam farce has been the final straw. My model club has started meeting again but I just can't get the energy or motivation to do anything. I just wonder what is the point of it all.

[The Legendary Shark]

I quite enjoy the winter. Working outside, as I do, in the cold and the wet and the gales and the frost makes me feel somehow more human; and returning home to my shed, putting the heater on, making a brew and a chicken ding, then sitting back to watch a film or a series, or write something, or draw something, or just sitting and thinking sometimes for hours on end, generally gives me satisfaction. I was wet through and freezing cold when I got in today, but now I'm warm and dry and fed and writing this drivel, and I'm content. I find it's the little things that make me happy. The big things just tend to frustrate and annoy.

As to what the point of it all might be, who knows? People immeasurably smarter than me have been pondering that question forever and we're still no nearer an answer. I suspect that there is no objective point to any of it (what's the point of a stone, or a mountain*, or a planet, or a star, or a galaxy, or a universe?) and that we must each find our own subjective point. I think that the point of my life is simply to live it and experience it - and maybe to write a bit, when I can be arsed. That might not sound very grand or inspirational but it suffices for me.

I learned long ago that I can't change the world as I have neither the power nor the right to do so. The only world I have any power or right to change is my world, and then it's a largely internal change anyway. Maybe that's the point, who knows? Certainly not me. My point is, if I made a point of not doing anything until I figure out what the point is, I'd get to a point where I'd never do anything - and what would be the point of that?

One of the few things I have figured out is that nobody can make me happy, angry, depressed, etc., except me. So when these emotions come up I have to own them and deal with them myself as best I can, sometimes through internal analysis and sometimes through talking about it but most often through a combination of the two. All my emotions are inside me all the time. I just have to learn how to bring out the ones I enjoy and deal with the ones I don't. Which is not easy but by no means impossible.

I know this doesn't help you, Jade, because it's my own subjective view, but maybe you can find some germ of coping in my nonsense that might help you figure out your own path because, in the final analysis, we are each of us on our own and must learn to live with ourselves.


*Yeah, yeah, I know - the point of a mountain is the summit, unless it has a flat top, of course, which makes it doubly pointless.

[Funt Solo]

Thanks all for words of support - I'm very lucky to have some helpers around when it feels like I can't quite manage to balance everything out. Mental health issues always remind me of this sketch. (Bit racist, tho.)

[Jade Falcon]

An update...

Depression has got ever worse.  My flat is bloody freezing and shouldn't be classed as fit for human habitation with how cold it is in winter.  I try not to use the heating because of the way energy prices have gone and now they seem to have shot up.

Add to that, I'm with Bulb which is in special Government administration.

My sleep patterns are ever worsening, sometimes not getting to sleep till 7 in the morning.  There is nothing worth getting up for and on Thursday I got a phone call.

I had been diagnosed as aneamic though the doctor seems puzzled as to why as I don't smoke, drink or do drugs outside of prescription medication.  The GP had referred me to get both a colonoscopy and an endocoscopy.  I said no to either as I find myself gaggin when at the dentist, never mind a camera down the throat and I just feel revulsion at the idea of one going elsewhere.

Now I'm wondering, is this cancer?  I'm torn, I feel I don't want to know as it seems every time you go to the doctors all that is found is that there is more wrong.

[Tjm86]

I wish there was more we can offer than words of support.  It's most likely zero consolation for you that I can relate on the sleep front.  What's more frustrating, as you probably can attest, is feeling knackered but not able to get off to sleep.

I'm guessing as well that with everything going on right now your appetite is up the spout too?  Either not eating or so infrequently that it might as well be the same?  That might possibly explain some of the symptoms?

Can definitely sympathise with regard to worries about what the docs will turn up next.  Don't know if there is a right of wrong answer on knowing but can certainly relate.

Nowhere near your problems but made the mistake of trying to get back into work.  Three weeks of supply teaching and I tipped myself into crisis mode.  Shame, humiliation, embarrassment, ... total lack of coherent thought, ... "hello darkness my old friend ..." F***ing idiot!

[The Legendary Shark]

Fwiw, problems can't be addressed until they're identified, and a little brief discomfort is (to me) worth it in order to get to the truth.

Whatever you decide, though, I'm sure we're all with you, Jade.

[The Legendary Shark]

You don't strike me as a "f***ing idiot," TJM. These are worrying and trying times for all of us, Mate, and I think you should be proud of the fact that you had the courage to get back to work. Maybe you just need to allow yourself some time to readjust and re-acclimatize to the situation.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Sorry, haven't checked into this thread for a while.   I have learned the hard way that my words of encouragement do absolutely nothing to help people who are feeling depressed, just as very few people have been able to help me when I was depressed (I'm the type who hates conflict, but once ended up telling a therapist that what he was saying was 'bullshit', and I don't regret it).

But all I can say is I'm sorry that you've been suffering, Jade and Funt.  I really hope that you guys can get through it

[Tjm86]

I don't know.  One thing I've learnt on this thread is that there is always someone who can help with a well placed comment.  At the very least there is a degree of affirmation / validation that steers clear of valorising the experience.

Maybe it is the fact that so many folks around these parts know:

- it is bloody hard coping with the dog at times;
- sometimes you just need to vent without being told you're being daft / pathetic etc;
- the last thing you want is someone telling you it is all in your head (okay, so it may be but it is also in my neck, chest, arms, legs ... oh, and while it is in my head it is screwing up my ability to think so badly ...)
- it's draining ...

So no, JBC, I wouldn't say that your words of encouragement do nothing to help.  Oh, and I know what you mean about medics / therapists being about as much use as a chocolate fireguard at times!

... and Sharkey, thanks for that.  I am stepping back a bit, accepting what has happened and trying to regroup.  I'm hoping that the panic will ease off sometime soon.  hey ho.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Thanks Tjm! I suppose I was clumsily trying to make the point that trying to help people never worked for me, or indeed trying to cheer people up. What I learned (mainly through pissing people off) was that just listening is more useful.

Hope you're coping OK too by the way.

[Funt Solo]

I think I'm in quite a good spot at the moment. I've been trying a few things to take my mind of my ... I'm going to call it a mid-life crisis. I've been trying a plan to increase my amount of exercise - trying to mend my wobbly knee. Physical strife is another thing on the pile of things I'm not currently enjoying in life. So, I figure if I can take some pressure off there, or at least make some in-roads, it can't hurt. (Literally, it often does hurt, but ... long term goals.)

I'm also trying to keep work in work, and not let it come home. Teaching has a tendency to dominate the mental landscape - and I'm not really enjoying it anymore as a profession. I had a bit of a breakthrough when I realized that I could just give up the job. Not an easy decision - because the job provides a lot of practical benefits, and I should be thankful to have a job etc. But - I had reached a stage where the pressure of work felt so insurmountable that offing myself had become the only other option I could see. While I still sometimes drift in that direction, I also have some other things on the table, which I think is healthier.

So - definitely feeling trapped in a job I've started to despise, but I know there are multiple paths I can choose if I need to. Including visiting a doctor (being really careful what I tell them so I don't get sectioned) and taking a bit of a break. Also, it was sunny yesterday - which helps me a lot. I haven't really managed to get this down about things since my mid-20s - a quarter of a century ago. On reflection, I'm glad that, then, I didn't step off.

Best wishes to everyone.

[The Legendary Shark]

Any time, TJM. I'm glad you're getting to grips with that slippery old mutt and I'll always be here for you - and not just me, either.

Funt, I know you and I don't get on too well on other threads but on this one, you're my Brother - and you'd best be around to butt heads with me for a long, long time to come. We're fecking monsters, you and me. I mean, look around - who the Hell's gonna' mess with us?

[Funt Solo]

Shark - we do battle sometimes, but we also have a lot in common. I sometimes think if I dialed back to one of my younger selves, we'd be in total agreement. The bit the Internet is missing is the "fuck it, pass the spliff" part.