Ye Ballade of Kynge Trouttman & Quene Fiery Bou

[Capt.Zeep]

(Traditional, freely adapted by Captain Zeep)

Here goes:

(Capt. Zeep takes up his trusty battlescarred banjo and begins to sing in a querulous voice)

Let never a man a wooing wend
That lacketh things three,
A store of gold, an open heart,
And full of charity;
And this was seen of King Troutman,
Though he lay quite alone,
For he's taken him to a haunted hall,
Seven miles from the town.

He's chased the deer now him before
And the doe down by the den
Till the fattest buck in all the flock
King Troutman he has slain.
His huntsmen followed him to the hall
To make them burly cheer,
When the loud wind was heard to sound
And an earthquake rocked the floor.

And darkness covered all the hall,
where they sat at their meat,
The grey dogs, yowling, left their food
And crept to Trouty's feet
And louder howled the rising wind
And burst the fastened door,
And in there came Queen Fiery Bou,
Stamping on the floor.

Her head hit the roof tree of the house,
Her middle you could not span,
Each frightened huntsman left the hall,
And left the king alone.
Her teeth were like the tether-stakes,
Her nose like club or mell,
And nothing less she seemed to be
Than a fiend that comes from hell.

"Some meat, some meat,you king trouty,
some meat you give to me,
Go kill your horse you king trouty,
And bring him here to me"
He's gone and slain his berry-brown steed
Though it made his heart full sore,
For she's eaten up both skin and bone,
Left nothing but hide and hair

"More meat, more meat yopu king trouty,
More meat you give to me,
Go fell your goshawks King Trouty,
And bring them here to me;"
And when he's slain his gay goshawks,
It made his heart full sore,
She's eaten them up both skin and bone,
Left nothing but feathers bare.

"Some drink, some drink now King Trouty,
Some drink you bring to me,
Oh you sew up your horses hide,
And bring in a drink to me"
And he's sewn up the bloody hide,
 And a pipe of wine put in,
And she's drank it up all in one draught,
Left never a drop therein.

"A bed, a bed, now King Trouty,
A bed you'll make for me,
Oh you must pull the heather green,
And make it soft for me"
And pulled has he the heather green,
and made for her a bed,
And taken has he his gay mantle,
And o'er it has spread.

"Take off your clothes, now King Trouty,
And lie down by my side,
Now swear, now swear you King Troutman,
To take me for your bride"
"Oh God forbid", says King Troutman,
"That ever the like betide,
That ever a fiend that comes from hell,
Should stretch down by my side"

When the night was gone, and the day was come,
And the sun shone through the hall,
The fairest lady that ever was seen
Lay between him and the wall.
"I've met with many a gentle knight
That gave me such a fill,
But never with such a couteous knight
That gave me all my will!"



Thank you.
(Exit Capt. Zeep, pursued by a spoatgider)

[Smiley]

Polo-necks, beards and stickin' yer finger in yer ear. Many many more, available of 'Folk Off And Die', out now on K-Tel.

[Queen Firey-Bou]

Ha HA HAA zeep !!!! very funny indeed, But a) troutMAN will not do as he's bid , b) i think you'll find he's married.

have you got a song about when i whupped his ass & ruled the land ?

[Trout]

*sigh*

Full points for effort.

- Trout

[karne]

"Full points for effort.

Has anyone here seen "Night of the Comet"? It's an eighties zombie style flick a bit like "28 Days Later".

Anyway, when it aired on TV the BBC (+) changed the line "I'm not mad, I just don't give a f*ck!" to "I'm not mad, I just don't give a point!"

Is there a hidden message here Trout, or am I just as daft as a brush?

[Richmond Clements]

'Is there a hidden message here Trout, or am I just as daft as a brush?'


I think you could start a fight in an empty room...

[Trout]

Hidden message?


Please

Entertain

Absolutely

Sod-all

Notions of

That nature

- Trout

[Richmond Clements]

Nice one Trout! Your majesty.

[Trout]

(I may be evil, but I don't have to seem clever, you know)

[karne]

"I think you could start a fight in an empty room..."

Thanks Rac, you've just given me a notion as to how I came by those bruised knuckles and that fat lip.

[karne]

Please

Entertain

Absolutely

Sod-all

Notions of(f)

That nature

- Trout

[karne]

Wow he did an all. Come back your Maj, I was only kidding!

[Queen Firey-Bou]

Pfff well luckily i won't be doing any fighting by riddles... being a wooman its all too complex for me. Nope simple backstabbing and trechery..

i said trechery, not lechery.

ffff lucky for zeep being the royal minstrel allows him to take verbal cheeky liberties other wise I'd have to set the royal torturer onto him.. Mal... you did say you were MY royal torturer yes?

[Noisybast]

"I'm not mad, I just don't give a point!"

I remember that one. Even as a kid, I thought it was a bit crap. It actually came out sounding like "I don't give a foint!". Bloody suits...

[Capt.Zeep]

Hnyurk hnyurk....I must admit that did feel a bit cheeky ;)

Just my little attempt to bring harmony to the land...I may yet regale you all with "The Tale of Little Matty Jampot" but he doesn't seem to be around to take the piss out of.

Keep it Zeep :)