:-)

[Trout]

It's too depressing round here, land-dwelling scum!

Now we must be cheerier, so your mighty King - who, of course, knows better - commands you all to provide silly jokes.

As ever, I practise what I preach:


What's brown and taps at your window?

A nosy shite!


Hope you liked that and will join in.
Idiots and plebs.

- Trout

[Mr D]

A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging." The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?" The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete." "What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked. The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes." The cowboy said, &"That's weird. What are they hanging him for?" The bartender said, "Rustling!"

[fred]

How do you if a natural blonde Essex type has been using your computer?

Tippex on the monitor.

fred

[thrillpowerseeker]

A dyslexic wanks into a pub....

[fred]

whoops sorry, there should be a 'know' in there.

Would of seen the mistake earlier if it weren't for this white stuff on me screen.

Fred Couldbeblonde

[fred]

How do you spot a chinese prostitute in Morecombe?

She's the one in fishnets!

fred

[Floyd-the-k]

so this bloke with no legs drags himself into a pub and says "don`t mind me, I`m `armless - oh shit, wrong joke"

boom, boom

[rc]

I've got a belter for tomorrow, but it's late so I'll just say

What do you call a man with no ears?

Anything you want, he can't bloody hear you! lol!

  ..er..

[rc]

Okay, the antidote to that last one:-

A spolit kid is at the beach with his dad, he says: "Dad, Dad! Can I have an ice-cream?"

Dad says, "Look son, you've already had a nice day out... now you want an ice-cream? Well, okay but then we have to go."

The kid eats his ice-cream, and spots a donkey-ride stall. "Dad, Dad! Can I have a go on the donkeys?"

Dad says, "Look son, you've had a nice day out, you've had an ice-cream... and now you want a shot on the donkeys? Weeelll.. OK, but that's it mind!"

The kid enjoys himself so much on the donkeys he says, "Dad, dad! Will you BUY me a donkey??"

"Look son, you've had a nice day out, you've had an ice-cream, you've had a go on the donkeys... and now you WANT a donkey?? Well I don't... OH GO ON THEN!"

So father and son and donkey are plodding home, and the kid is chuffed to bits. He pipes up, "Dad, dad!"

"What NOW, son?"

"Can I call the donkey WANKER??"

"Look son, you've had a nice day, you've had an ice-cream, you've had a go on the donkeys, I've BOUGHT you a bloody donkey... and now you want to call it WANKER??? No, no... enough is enough son. I'm sorry."

The kid starts to cry.

Dad relents. "Okay, okay, okay - you can call the donkey WANKER. But that REALLY is IT for today son, okay??"

"Okay dad, you're the best dad in the world. Thanks!"

So the donkey is tied up in the front garden and the family go to sleep.

In the middle of the night, the kid wakes up to commotion outside. He runs to his window and sees the donkey has broken free, leapt the garden wall and is galloping away up the street.

The kid sprints through to his parents' room, turns on the light and yells, "DAD, DAD...! WANKER'S OFF!!!"

"Look son, you've had a nice day out, you've had an ice-cream......."

[skull.ring]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa.....

[Woolly]

Two blonde girls are walking through the forest, when one of them stoops down and says 'Look, antelope tracks!'.
The other blonde looks at the tracks and says 'No, youre mistaken. These are deer tracks.'

While theyre discussing it, they both get hit by the train...

[Richmond Clements]

Essex girl is in a car crash, and as she is being cut out, the paramedic is examining her.
"I think I've got concussion, I can't see properly", she says.
The paramedic says,"How many fingers have I got up?"
"Oh fuck! I'm paralysed as well!"

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

What does DNA stand for?

National dyslexia association.

[Tanky]

What's the best thing about sex with twenty eight year olds?


There's twenty of em.

[Mr C]

A high powered executive has a fling with his secretary and she ends up getting pregnant. not wanting to lose his family and not wanting to lose his honour by chucking the secretary and her kid, he sends her to Italy and tells her to send him a postcard with the word spaghetti on it when she has the child (as you do).
Nine months later he's rushed to hospital with a heart attack. The doctor asks his wife what could of caused it, she says that he had just keeled over after reading a postcard. The doctor asks what the postcard said and the wife replies:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs and sausage, two without."