:-)

[Jimbo San]

A little boy goes to a brothel, trailing a dead frog on a string behind him. The madam opens the door, surprised at his young age.

"I want to have sex with one of your girls" says the boy.
"You're too young" says the madam.

The boy gives her a large bundle of pound notes and she quickly changes her mind. She takes him in and offers him various girls.

"I want one with herpes" says the boy.
"All my girls are clean" says the madam.

The boys gives her another large bundle of pound notes and so she goes hunting on the streets for a prostitute with herpes. She returns with one, and the boy takes her into a room.

Later on, as the boy is leaving, the madam asks him why he wanted a girl with herpes, and why he was dragging a dead frog behind him on a piece of string.

"When I get home, I'll have sex with the babysitter, and she'll get herpes. Then the babysitter will have sex with my dad in the car when my Dad drives her home, and he'll get it. Then my Dad will have sex with my Mum and she'll get it. Then my Mum will have sex with the Milkman and he'll get it, and THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"

[Satanist]

Hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

[fred]

((((Ring-g-g-g-g))))

((((Ring-g-g-g-g))))

((((Ring-g-g-g-g)))) >

A young child answers the phone...

"Hello?"

"Hi, love, this is Daddy,"... "Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then . . . here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead".
"Oh my God! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead
too".

***long pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 734589?"

[rc]

Hmm, a lot of dyslexic-jokes (like the dyslexic atheist who did not believe in Dog)....

Any among us, I wonder?

[Scottiepunk]

Two dogs having sex, little girls asks mum what they are doing. They're baking a cake, says the mum. You and dad had sex last night, didn't you, says the little girl. How'd you know that, mum asks, cos I licked the icing off the sofa!!

[House of Usher]

I heard that Noel Coward told a version of that joke in which a small girl asks what the two dogs are doing, and the adult says that the one at the back is blind and the one in front is taking him to St.Dunstan's (a residential home for the blind in Brighton).

[Quirkafleeg]

What's black and furry and hangs from the ceiling

An Irish electrician

[House of Usher]

One morning a boy meets his friend on the way to school. The friend shows him a fantastic, expensive watch. The first boy says "cor!! where did you get that watch?"

The second boy says "my dad gave it to me. I heard some funny noises from my mum and dad's bedroom, and I went in there, and my dad was in bed with the lady from next door, and they had no clothes on, and they were sort of rolling around on top of one another. Then he saw me and stopped, and said he'd buy me a nice new watch if I went out to play and didn't tell mum what I'd seen".

So the first boy spends all day daydreaming about the watch that his friend showed him, and that night, after he's put to bed, he can't sleep a wink. So he gets up and goes into his parents' bedroom, and sure enough, they've got no clothes on, and they're making noises and rolling around.

Quick as a flash, he says "I want a watch".

So his Dad says, "Well bloody well shut the door, sit down and be quiet, then!"

[johnnystress]

Irish Electrician joke (part II)

What do you call an Irsh electrician

Sean D'Olier

[johnnystress]

dammit-  i pasted that all wrong

I really wish there was an editing feature on this board

Q.what do you call an irishman who's crap at posting

A.johnny

[petemaskreplica]

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front
of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell. The owner answers, and tells him the dog is in
the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just
sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift when I was
pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at
the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered someincredible
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess
of puppies, and now... I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling
him so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

[Adrian Bamforth]

Q: Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?

A: He was out standing in his field.

ADE

[mongor2003]

Hello everybody, been a while - heres a moderatly sick joke...                                            Q : What do Gareth Gates and Dr Harold Shipman both have in common ?
 A : Neither of them can complete a sentence.

[Satanist]

Ok,this is my favourite crap joke of all time...


Theres two dyslexic skiers at the top of a hill.one turns to the other

1st skier :Watch me zag-zig down this hill

2nd skier:It's not zag-zig it's zig-zag

1st skier:Idon't care what it's called just watch me do it

so they both ski down the hill and when they reach the bottom the first one turns to the other

1st skier:Did you see me zag-zigging it down there?

2nd skier:I told you earlier it's zig-zag!

This goes on for a while until they see another chap coming towards them

1st skier:Look we'll ask this bloke and settle this once and for all.Excuse me mate but when you ski downhill do you zag-zig or zig-zag?

Stranger:Sorry,I'm not sure I'm a tobogonist.

1st skier:In that case I'll have 20 Regal and a box of matches!

[mongor2003]

ouch !