:-)

[Dounreay]

Three Classics from Chic Murray.

Chic goes into a pet shop. "Do wasps make good pets?" he asks. "No" says the shop keeper. "How come you've got two in the window then?" says Chic.

Chic - I walked into the bedroom, the curtains were drawn but the furniture was real.

"Strip" says the doctor. "Where will I put my clothes?" says Chic. "Just put them on top of mine" says the doc.

And finally....

A well heeled Bearsden matron is walking through Buchanan Street. Espying a tramp, she takes pity and gives the down and out a fiver.

Having second thoughts she says "I hope you are not going to spend that on drink my good man".

"Its my fucking money" says the tramp "I'll spend it on any damn thing I please".  

[Quirkafleeg]

Best with a slow druggy voice...

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...  I pushed "1" and he just stood there...  I said, "Hi, where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.  Then the phone rang.  He said, "You get it."  I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...  The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"...  I said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank.  It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"  I said, "Mr.  Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...  And I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

[thrillpowerseeker]

Husband and wife are sitting in front of the telly obviously bored, when the woman says 'darling I was talking with Betty and Susan  at the hairdressers today and Betty told us that she was whats known as a D.I.N.K.Y..dual income no kids, then Susan said she was a D.I.N.K.Y too..we have 2 kids does that mean I cant be a D.I.N.K.Y?, the man replies 'Dont bother with that shit luv, youve got a title, the best title in the world ..W.I.F.E'
      'W.I.F.E? what the hell does that stand for?' she asks,
      'Washing,Ironing,Fucking,etc' sniggers the man..

[Richmond Clements]

Three me, possibly the same three refered to earlier in this thread, sitting in a bar. As they are talking, they all agree to do something special for each of their wives on there next birthday. They agree to buy them two gifts, with the first being a connection to the second one.
So, the first presents his wife with her gift, she opens it: a set of keys, which, he explains, go with the new car he had bought her.
The second buys his wife a pair of sunglasses... which she can wear on the cruise he has booked.
The third one gives his wife her gift, she opens the package and finds a pair of slippers and a vibrator.
'I don't get it, what's the connection?' she asks.
'Well,' explains her husband,' That's so that, if you don't like the slippers, you can go and fuck yourself.'

[Jimbo San]

A woman is rushed into hospital, about to give birth, with her husband at her side. She tells the doctor that she's really concerned about the pain. The doctor tells her not to worry - he has invented a machine that can pass the pain of childbirth onto the father. The doctor hooks the machine up to the willing husband, and adjusts it so that the husband is taking ten percent of the wife's pain. The husband says that he can't feel anything. The doctor turns it up to thirty percent. The husband still amazingly can't feel anything. The doctor turns it up to sixty percent, and is astounded that the husband still can't feel any pain. As a result, the doctor adjusts the machine so that the father feels all the pain of the childbirth in the place of the woman. Still the husband doesn't feel any pain. The child is born without a problem, and without any pain to the woman.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the doorstep.

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Trout:

What is brown and starts with a "p"?

Why, a jobby of course!

[Trout]

That's a medal for Mr Bolt, and a gigantic pair of clown's shoes for Dr X!

- Trout

[Krustabi]

Have you ever wondered where a certain Australian border who lives in Japan writes his many letters?

If he did it on the toilet that would make him Floyd Commode...;)

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Bah, I never say that post.

Anyway, I look forward to the delivery of my shoes.

[Bolt-01]

Thanks Fishy King! I shall wear my medal with pride!

Bolt-01 (+ medal)

[Oddboy]

Q.How do you tell if the drummer is sitting up straight?
A.The drool comes out both sides of his mouth.


Q.What's the last thing a drummer says to his fellow bandmates?
A."Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"