Your Country Needs You!

[colcool007]

Dear Gun Patrol Editor,

    I find it truly refreshing to find a publication as fine as yours understands our aim of putting guns back into the community. We, at the NRA, feel that such fine weapons as the Python or the Desert Eagle should be introduced to children so that they know that guns are their friends and that we should not listen to liberal propaganda saying that guns cause death.  It is not the guns that cause death, it is the misguided people, that do not belong to the NRA, and use guns foolishly that cause death.

Sincerely

C. Magnum

(Note: If you do not see the irony in this missive, then get ye hence to see Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine or Fahrenheit 9/11)

[Byron Virgo]

I like that, because Gun Patrol is about the bombing of Dresden (who cares about a few potters anyway?), so I think you've hit the nail on the head with that one. That is the attitude of our comic completely - liberal propaganda is destroying the world; arm all schoolchildren immediately!

[LARF]

Dear Misty

After reading about your (mis)adventures I was wondering whether I can contract you to find my pussy, please.

Her name is  Sharved and is mostly black, long hair with a small parting. I last saw her when I was getting dressed in the bedroom the other day, my back was turned as I pulled up my pants, turned around and the little furry feline had safely seconded herself somewhere safe and warm. She had disappeared, I'd left the window open as it was a warm day, so I closed it and slipped out her favourite toy a small rabbit that hops and jumps around and gets her mouthwatering, but to no avail she was just not there.

I've hunted further, high and low and cannot get my hands on her. She loves sausage, particulary the big meaty thick ones you van get hold of from your local Butcher, he's often remarked on what a wonderful example of the feline form she is and often regards her with envious eyes as his wife has only got a rather fat flabby old minger that's on it's last legs.

Therefore, first port of call would be the Butcher - I'm a little bit afraid that he may have stuffed her already (his hobby is taxidermy), but I know in my heart of hearts I would have felt something if he had, I feel like I have a psychic bond with her you know - verytime I stroke her I can feel her getting more and more excited and this gives me a warm tingly feeling.

I really hope you can help me, I really miss her looking up at me from under the duvet in the morning and the way she purrs when I stroke her and tickle her chin.

Best wishes for your success.

Laura Abby-Love

[Bolt-01]

Where's my script?

J@p-destroyer-01

[Tiplodocus]

Larf - that is truly terrible.  It would make people think the comic is one of those sub Viz clones that emphasis the filth but manage to entirely miss the jokes.

[Byron Virgo]

Bolt: Where's my artwork?

Tiplodocus: I think you're really giving our comic too much credit by describing it as a sub-Viz clone.

Larf gets the Star Letter and accompanying prize.

[Bico]

Beggars can't be choosers.

[Byron Virgo]

And yet choosers *can* be beggars.

How is that fair?

So what's the fantastic prize that you're awading Larf then, Jr?

[Bico]

The freshly-raped eyes of an English dandy.

[Byron Virgo]

I don't like all this eye raping stuff - for one thing, I need my eyes to see with and squint at gypsies and the lower classes in a condescending manner. And, for another, the idea of you, no doubt diseased, Irish organ coming anywhere near my immediate vaccinity give me a touch of the screaming ab-dabs.

There again, as you say, beggars can't be choosers, and at least that's some fresh self-love material for tonight.

Though if I'm the writer, shouldn't I be the one doing the eye-thing?

And, in all seriousness, what's this prize you're going to give Larf?

[Conexus]

a golden shower?

[Byron Virgo]

What, a shower head made of pure gold? Seems a bit excessive just for getting the Star Letter spot in a simple Small Press book.

[Max Kon]

what is it with you and dolden showers? were you recently given one and that is why you are so eager about it?

[Tiplodocus]

Byron - apologies - I didn't mean to imply your comic was a sub-viz clone. I've not read it and can't offer an opinion.

What I meant was that if you started publishing letters like Larf's, people might think it was a sub-Viz clone.

Sorry if I caused offence.

[Byron Virgo]

"What I meant was that if you started publishing letters like Larf's, people might think it was a sub-Viz clone."

If only! My aspirations don't stretch to quite those lofty heights, I'm afraid! Please, imply all you want.

"Byron - apologies - I didn't mean to imply your comic was a sub-viz clone. I've not read it and can't offer an opinion."

You know, a man without scruples could attempt to force you to buy a copy of his comic book whilst you were weak and vulnerable like this...and who am I to confound expectations? Buy a copy by contacting PonySchool@gmail.com for ?2 + 50 p&p and all shall be forgiven!  ;)

Didn't you say something about killfiling me for constant shameless plugging...?